When we first moved here, I thought we were coming to invest in guests and show them love. I thought we had an answer for them, something to offer them....
Currently it is hard for me to state this as my main reason for being here. Right now, I feel like the main reason I am here is to learn.
In everything I do, I want to give to others. I want to give my time, my food, my space, my everything. I want to live a life of sacrifice for others because I believe that changes people. To rich people and poor people- to everyone. I believe that when you give yourself to others, they experience love and it nourishes them and makes them into a more whole person. I want to restore peoples' dignity, and I can do that just by treating them like they are worth my time.
But I am realizing that ever since we arrived here two months ago, I have received so much more from our guests than I could have ever expected, hoped for, or imagined. I am here to give to them, and everyone I encounter, but I feel that I am learning and receiving so much more from our guests than I am able to give to them. This is incredibly humbling.
This happens without me trying. I live where I "work", so there is no escape from life among guests. My life is in sync with guests. I drink coffee with them, watch movies with them, even run errands with them and last night, I went jogging with one of them. So this give and take happens without me even having to try. It is just life- it just is. We are around each other during the parts of our day where we are doing ordinary, day to day things. There is a bond that happens when you share common parts of life with others. It's the bond you have with your room mate or your spouse- except it is with a person who is leaving in a day or two, and so you mind your manners more around them.
I thought I knew why I was here when I got here on September 10. I thought I had it all figured out- I thought I had it. I hate when I think I have it all figured out, and then I realize I am no where near understanding, and I never will be. I have learned so much from living in this hostel and living among travelers. I am totally amazed by how different I feel now as opposed to two months ago.
I love to travel, and if I could, I would travel for years around the world. That opportunity has presented itself to me throughout college in the forms of month long missions, and I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to take advantage of those trips. Now, I am realizing that the same thing I love about traveling, I am experiencing to an extent at the hostel. When guests from Germany tell me about the current weather in their hometown. When a man from Syria comes close to breaking down when we ask him about the current state of his country. And when a Nigerian asks me why on earth my husband and I need 2 cars. And when local friends teach me how to play the Midwestern card game called Euchre. I am traveling, because I am learning about different cultures. I am not only learning, but I am experiencing life with the natives. I am being taught, simply by asking questions to the person sitting next to me over coffee. My world view and my perspective on life has been broadened, and I feel so fortunate.
It is hard for me to say that I am here to offer guests something, because they keep offering me so much. It is hard to explain to people why I am ok with living in a tiny room where the bathroom is five feet from the bed and there is no wall to separate the two. It doesn't make sense to me either, but I find myself ok with all of this. The people here make it worth it. When I am able to think clearly, and I am in a good place mentally, I realize that even though we are not building up our resumes or our bank account by being here, in other ways we are rich. I feel rich because I feel blessed, and I feel peace because I feel that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now.
Lastly, I have decided to start culinary school in January. It is something I have always wanted to do and the opportunity has presented itself to me. It has never seemed like the right time to do culinary school, and I never thought I would be going in Indy, but now seems like the perfect time. It should take a year for me to get an associates degree in culinary arts. I realized that the only thing holding me back from going to culinary school was Fear. Fear that I would not get a job doing what I wanted to do, which would be either teaching those without resources how to cook as a life skill, or cooking nice food for those without food, or both. Then I realized that Fear is never a good reason to hold back from doing something that you want to do, that you know can help others and make their lives better. Fear doesn't get a say so.
I have been wanting an opportunity to communicate what I am experiencing here, but I have not found the words for it until now. I want to be honest about our life here, and I don't want to paint a romantic picture, but I also don't want to be vague. This lifestyle has so many challenges, and there are days when I just want to live in a normal house like a normal married couple and have a normal 9-5 job. But most of the time, I am happy here, because it feels right. There are days when I am so homesick that I can't focus on anything else, but I am always affirmed that being here is right. Sometimes it gets lonely, meeting guests and having them leave a few days later, but the longer we stay here, the more friends we make that actually live here. So it's bittersweet- just like everything in life, and I'm realizing that I can be a bit fatalistic naturally, but life really isn't that bad.
Thanks to my french press coffee and a little spurt of mental clarity this morning, I was finally able to update this blog.
I wouldn't be able to update if I didn't feel the support of those who read, so thanks for the comments and views.
<3
