I'm recovering from a "cold" that has been passed around the mission from resident to resident. I usually feel like I share everything with them anyway- food, ideas, conversation- now germs.
I found out this morning that one of the residents who I am friends with is having to get his leg amputated. And another one who had left the mission for a better life is coming back to the mission at the end of the month.
Both of these are bad news to me. I don't want my friends to have health issues, and I don't want my friends to take steps backwards. I want them to do well and move forward. And the residents are my friends. There is a lot of heartbreak at the mission, and I am trying to learn how to deal with it.
One day I will be having a great conversation with one lady, and I will feel like we are really bonding. The next day I find out that she got kicked out for breaking the rules one too many times. Will I ever see her again?
I think the reality of where I work hit me today. The people staying here have hit rock bottom, and they had no place else to go so they came here. For food, for shelter, for support. Staying here is no one's first choice. It is not a "free ride", nor is it luxurious. It does not enable, and it does not look glamorous. It is not an excuse to not work, it is a place to survive until things get better. I'm sure many people disagree with this, but I'm seeing it first hand. No one wants to be instituted, and the types of oppression that I see these people living under are dreadful. And I think that's one of the main struggles- oppression.
But I think there's a way to care for the people in front of me without living in denial of life's hardships that we all face. I can be joyful and positive and encouraging. I want to accept the reality of the problems in front of me, rather than living in oblivion and pretending like everything is perfect.
I want to understand and be patient with others, rather than decide that I have them figured out and walk away. There's always so much more to the story.
There's a way to love them that I haven't learned about yet. Somehow, slowly through the process of living, existing, and coming to work each week I have learned how to mesh with these people. I prayed for guidance to say things to them that make their days better and give them hope. I wanted my prayers to be answered instantly, but they are being answered slowly and thoroughly. It's like waiting for my seeds that I planted to grow. They sprout, but so slowly...
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Forced Bravery
I have been told that I am brave twice today in passing and not for any specific reason.
This blows my mind because I would think that I am the opposite of brave. Fear is my biggest struggle.
When I was a little child, I used to love getting scared. I was obsessed with scary movies, breaking into abandoned buildings at night with friends, exploring graveyards- you name it. I was/am such a little creep. Getting scared used to be fun to me- it was a thrill. An adrenaline rush. One time in my neighborhood park, they were doing construction to build three giant hills out of a plot of land. While bulldozing the dirt, a cliff had formed, and parents told their children to stay away from it because it was dangerous. My dad recalls me racing up the cliff on my bike, with intentions of flying off the cliff and hopefully landing wheels down on the solid ground below. He screamed my name and made me stop before I went flying off into the sky...
Sometime after junior high I remember becoming scared and it not being fun anymore. I have memories of making my friends come with me into the bathroom after watching The Ring, and sleeping with the light on that night. After fear became un-fun, I didn't watch scary movies anymore and I tried not to tell scary stories. I didn't even like the dark. Being scared stopped being fun and it became a struggle- something that I hated to feel. Terror became torture.
Now as a grown-up, I hate being scared still, but everything scares me at first. My job. My marriage. The reality that I am not in control of whether or not I am alive today and dead tomorrow. How terrifying! When I was a senior in high school, I forced myself to go sky-diving. In college, I forced myself to travel abroad and live in dangerous, impoverished areas for weeks at a time. Now, I force myself to ride rollar coasters at six flags, I force myself to try cow tongue burritos at the authentic Mexican restaurant, and I force myself to walk to my car at night to get my work shoes.
I force myself to make decisions to be brave. Most of the time though, my first feeling is fear. I hate fear. It is so stifling. I wish it was never present in my life ever, and sometimes I even consider making decisions that would cause me to face all of my worst fears head on. Like killing the spider myself. Or walking through the hospital in Haiti where I knew I would see people dying (and I did).
How do we overcome fear? I pray. I believe that I am not in control, that God is, and that He has it in His hands. I trust. I let go and relax. I realize that even if I worry, it won't accomplish anything- it will only make me and everyone around me miserable.
Overcoming fear is a process. I think we get better at it. But we can also get worse at it. It seems like if you let a little bit of fear into your life, it can consume, confuse and overtake you. If you combat first signs of fear with Truth and love, it's like cutting away poison ivy at the root, rather than having to trim it back by the vines daily, only to watch it sprout and grow faster and faster tomorrow....
Cut it at the root. Don't let it in, don't let it strangle any parts of you life or mind that will keep you from living more fully and richly.
This blows my mind because I would think that I am the opposite of brave. Fear is my biggest struggle.
When I was a little child, I used to love getting scared. I was obsessed with scary movies, breaking into abandoned buildings at night with friends, exploring graveyards- you name it. I was/am such a little creep. Getting scared used to be fun to me- it was a thrill. An adrenaline rush. One time in my neighborhood park, they were doing construction to build three giant hills out of a plot of land. While bulldozing the dirt, a cliff had formed, and parents told their children to stay away from it because it was dangerous. My dad recalls me racing up the cliff on my bike, with intentions of flying off the cliff and hopefully landing wheels down on the solid ground below. He screamed my name and made me stop before I went flying off into the sky...
Sometime after junior high I remember becoming scared and it not being fun anymore. I have memories of making my friends come with me into the bathroom after watching The Ring, and sleeping with the light on that night. After fear became un-fun, I didn't watch scary movies anymore and I tried not to tell scary stories. I didn't even like the dark. Being scared stopped being fun and it became a struggle- something that I hated to feel. Terror became torture.
Now as a grown-up, I hate being scared still, but everything scares me at first. My job. My marriage. The reality that I am not in control of whether or not I am alive today and dead tomorrow. How terrifying! When I was a senior in high school, I forced myself to go sky-diving. In college, I forced myself to travel abroad and live in dangerous, impoverished areas for weeks at a time. Now, I force myself to ride rollar coasters at six flags, I force myself to try cow tongue burritos at the authentic Mexican restaurant, and I force myself to walk to my car at night to get my work shoes.
I force myself to make decisions to be brave. Most of the time though, my first feeling is fear. I hate fear. It is so stifling. I wish it was never present in my life ever, and sometimes I even consider making decisions that would cause me to face all of my worst fears head on. Like killing the spider myself. Or walking through the hospital in Haiti where I knew I would see people dying (and I did).
How do we overcome fear? I pray. I believe that I am not in control, that God is, and that He has it in His hands. I trust. I let go and relax. I realize that even if I worry, it won't accomplish anything- it will only make me and everyone around me miserable.
Overcoming fear is a process. I think we get better at it. But we can also get worse at it. It seems like if you let a little bit of fear into your life, it can consume, confuse and overtake you. If you combat first signs of fear with Truth and love, it's like cutting away poison ivy at the root, rather than having to trim it back by the vines daily, only to watch it sprout and grow faster and faster tomorrow....
Cut it at the root. Don't let it in, don't let it strangle any parts of you life or mind that will keep you from living more fully and richly.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Hiking
Two years ago, Kevin and I were in Kauai for our honeymoon, and we decided to hike up the North Coast of the island- the Na Pali Coast.
The hike that we chose was a total of 3 miles. We went up the mountain, then down. Three miles doesn't seem like that much, but when you are going straight up, things are different. Suddenly you feel like after 5 minutes, you have already hiked three miles. The fact that you are out of breath should mean that the hike is almost over, right? Wrong.
I was so nervous about this hike, because it's my nature to get nervous about challenges and question if I will be able to do them or not. In elementary school, my teachers and counselors always said "You can do it!" about everything. Running, testing, coloring... I always wondered though, "How do you KNOW that I can do it? What if I actually CANNOT do it?"
I retreated to elementary school in my mind on the morning of our hike. "You can do it." Worst case scenario, we would turn around.
As we started the hike and I started to wonder if we had packed enough water, I noticed a "mixed" crowd coming down the mountain. Mothers carrying babies, toddlers, and oh yeah- 90 year old women. They were completing the hike, racing by me and I found myself dumbfounded. I thought, if these people can complete this hike, why did I doubt that I could?
I tried to learn a lesson from this experience. I told myself that maybe I need more confidence, at least as much as that 90 year old woman or that toddler. Maybe I need to assume that I am capable of more than I usually limit myself to. Most of all, maybe so much of what I am able to accomplish in life is decided by whether or not I believe in myself. All of these cheesy quotes seem true now- "You can do anything you set your mind to." I limit myself so often because I do not believe that magical things can happen- miracles, blessings, and masterpieces.
We completed the hike easily. Well, Kevin would tell you that I was complaining and panting by the time it was over. But it was no big deal after all.
Over the past few days I have been more aware of the people in my life who don't tell themselves no. They do not limit themselves, because they believe in themselves, and I hope I'm becoming more like them. So much of it is your mindset- and I want mine to always be open and confident so that I can enjoy life fully.
The hike that we chose was a total of 3 miles. We went up the mountain, then down. Three miles doesn't seem like that much, but when you are going straight up, things are different. Suddenly you feel like after 5 minutes, you have already hiked three miles. The fact that you are out of breath should mean that the hike is almost over, right? Wrong.
I was so nervous about this hike, because it's my nature to get nervous about challenges and question if I will be able to do them or not. In elementary school, my teachers and counselors always said "You can do it!" about everything. Running, testing, coloring... I always wondered though, "How do you KNOW that I can do it? What if I actually CANNOT do it?"
I retreated to elementary school in my mind on the morning of our hike. "You can do it." Worst case scenario, we would turn around.
As we started the hike and I started to wonder if we had packed enough water, I noticed a "mixed" crowd coming down the mountain. Mothers carrying babies, toddlers, and oh yeah- 90 year old women. They were completing the hike, racing by me and I found myself dumbfounded. I thought, if these people can complete this hike, why did I doubt that I could?
I tried to learn a lesson from this experience. I told myself that maybe I need more confidence, at least as much as that 90 year old woman or that toddler. Maybe I need to assume that I am capable of more than I usually limit myself to. Most of all, maybe so much of what I am able to accomplish in life is decided by whether or not I believe in myself. All of these cheesy quotes seem true now- "You can do anything you set your mind to." I limit myself so often because I do not believe that magical things can happen- miracles, blessings, and masterpieces.
We completed the hike easily. Well, Kevin would tell you that I was complaining and panting by the time it was over. But it was no big deal after all.
Over the past few days I have been more aware of the people in my life who don't tell themselves no. They do not limit themselves, because they believe in themselves, and I hope I'm becoming more like them. So much of it is your mindset- and I want mine to always be open and confident so that I can enjoy life fully.
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