A Little Bit of Clarity

When we first moved here, I thought we were coming to invest in guests and show them love.  I thought we had an answer for them, something to offer them....

Currently it is hard for me to state this as my main reason for being here.  Right now, I feel like the main reason I am here is to learn.

In everything I do, I want to give to others.  I want to give my time, my food, my space, my everything.  I want to live a life of sacrifice for others because I believe that changes people.  To rich people and poor people- to everyone.  I believe that when you give yourself to others, they experience love and it nourishes them and makes them into a more whole person.  I want to restore peoples' dignity, and I can do that just by treating them like they are worth my time.

But I am realizing that ever since we arrived here two months ago, I have received so much more from our guests than I could have ever expected, hoped for, or imagined.  I am here to give to them, and everyone I encounter, but I feel that I am learning and receiving so much more from our guests than I am able to give to them.  This is incredibly humbling.

This happens without me trying.  I live where I "work", so there is no escape from life among guests.  My life is in sync with guests.  I drink coffee with them, watch movies with them, even run errands with them and last night, I went jogging with one of them.  So this give and take happens without me even having to try.  It is just life- it just is.  We are around each other during the parts of our day where we are doing ordinary, day to day things.  There is a bond that happens when you share common parts of life with others.  It's the bond you have with your room mate or your spouse- except it is with a person who is leaving in a day or two, and so you mind your manners more around them.

I thought I knew why I was here when I got here on September 10.  I thought I had it all figured out- I thought I had it.  I hate when I think I have it all figured out, and then I realize I am no where near understanding, and I never will be.  I have learned so much from living in this hostel and living among travelers.  I am totally amazed by how different I feel now as opposed to two months ago.

I love to travel, and if I could, I would travel for years around the world.  That opportunity has presented itself to me throughout college in the forms of month long missions, and I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to take advantage of those trips.  Now, I am realizing that the same thing I love about traveling, I am experiencing to an extent at the hostel.  When guests from Germany tell me about the current weather in their hometown.  When a man from Syria comes close to breaking down when we ask him about the current state of his country.  And when a Nigerian asks me why on earth my husband and I need 2 cars.  And when local friends teach me how to play the Midwestern card game called Euchre.  I am traveling, because I am learning about different cultures.  I am not only learning, but I am experiencing life with the natives.  I am being taught, simply by asking questions to the person sitting next to me over coffee.  My world view and my perspective on life has been broadened, and I feel so fortunate.

It is hard for me to say that I am here to offer guests something, because they keep offering me so much.  It is hard to explain to people why I am ok with living in a tiny room where the bathroom is five feet from the bed and there is no wall to separate the two.  It doesn't make sense to me either, but I find myself ok with all of this.  The people here make it worth it.  When I am able to think clearly, and I am in a good place mentally, I realize that even though we are not building up our resumes or our bank account by being here, in other ways we are rich.  I feel rich because I feel blessed, and I feel peace because I feel that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now.

Lastly, I have decided to start culinary school in January.  It is something I have always wanted to do and the opportunity has presented itself to me.  It has never seemed like the right time to do culinary school, and I never thought I would be going in Indy, but now seems like the perfect time.  It should take a year for me to get an associates degree in culinary arts.  I realized that the only thing holding me back from going to culinary school was Fear.  Fear that I would not get a job doing what I wanted to do, which would be either teaching those without resources how to cook as a life skill, or cooking nice food for those without food, or both.  Then I realized that Fear is never a good reason to hold back from doing something that you want to do, that you know can help others and make their lives better.  Fear doesn't get a say so.

I have been wanting an opportunity to communicate what I am experiencing here, but I have not found the words for it until now.  I want to be honest about our life here, and I don't want to paint a romantic picture, but I also don't want to be vague.  This lifestyle has so many challenges, and there are days when I just want to live in a normal house like a normal married couple and have a normal 9-5 job.  But most of the time, I am happy here, because it feels right.  There are days when I am so homesick that I can't focus on anything else, but I am always affirmed that being here is right.  Sometimes it gets lonely, meeting guests and having them leave a few days later, but the longer we stay here, the more friends we make that actually live here.  So it's bittersweet- just like everything in life, and I'm realizing that I can be a bit fatalistic naturally, but life really isn't that bad.

Thanks to my french press coffee and a little spurt of mental clarity this morning, I was finally able to update this blog.
I wouldn't be able to update if I didn't feel the support of those who read, so thanks for the comments and views.
<3