Forced Bravery

I have been told that I am brave twice today in passing and not for any specific reason.

This blows my mind because I would think that I am the opposite of brave.  Fear is my biggest struggle.  

When I was a little child, I used to love getting scared.  I was obsessed with scary movies, breaking into abandoned buildings at night with friends, exploring graveyards- you name it.  I was/am such a little creep.  Getting scared used to be fun to me- it was a thrill.  An adrenaline rush.  One time in my neighborhood park, they were doing construction to build three giant hills out of a plot of land.  While bulldozing the dirt, a cliff had formed, and parents told their children to stay away from it because it was dangerous.  My dad recalls me racing up the cliff on my bike, with intentions of flying off the cliff and hopefully landing wheels down on the solid ground below.  He screamed my name and made me stop before I went flying off into the sky...

Sometime after junior high I remember becoming scared and it not being fun anymore.  I have memories of making my friends come with me into the bathroom after watching The Ring, and sleeping with the light on that night.  After fear became un-fun,  I didn't watch scary movies anymore and I tried not to tell scary stories.  I didn't even like the dark.  Being scared stopped being fun and it became a struggle- something that I hated to feel.  Terror became torture.

Now as a grown-up, I hate being scared still, but everything scares me at first.  My job.  My marriage.  The reality that I am not in control of whether or not I am alive today and dead tomorrow.  How terrifying!  When I was a senior in high school, I forced myself to go sky-diving.  In college, I forced myself to travel abroad and live in dangerous, impoverished areas for weeks at a time.  Now, I force myself to ride rollar coasters at six flags, I force myself to try cow tongue burritos at the authentic Mexican restaurant, and I force myself to walk to my car at night to get my work shoes.

I force myself to make decisions to be brave.  Most of the time though, my first feeling is fear.  I hate fear.  It is so stifling.  I wish it was never present in my life ever, and sometimes I even consider making decisions that would cause me to face all of my worst fears head on.  Like killing the spider myself.  Or walking through the hospital in Haiti where I knew I would see people dying (and I did).

How do we overcome fear? I pray.  I believe that I am not in control, that God is, and that He has it in His hands.  I trust.  I let go and relax.  I realize that even if I worry, it won't accomplish anything- it will only make me and everyone around me miserable.

Overcoming fear is a process. I think we get better at it.  But we can also get worse at it.  It seems like if you let a little bit of fear into your life, it can consume, confuse and overtake you.  If you combat first signs of fear with Truth and love, it's like cutting away poison ivy at the root, rather than having to trim it back by the vines daily, only to watch it sprout and grow faster and faster tomorrow....

Cut it at the root.  Don't let it in, don't let it strangle any parts of you life or mind that will keep you from living more fully and richly.