Whenever I was younger, I used to look forward to Friday nights because I knew I could spend the night with my best friend. We would get to stay up late eating pizza and watching movies. It was the highlight of my week and I didn't question whether that was normal or not. I remember the feeling I would get on Fridays, which were also "quarter days" and "game days" at school-- basically a day full of celebration. We were celebrating the end of the week and the upcoming weekend. I would wear my school shirt with jeans and tennis shoes. And then on Saturday mornings, I couldn't sleep in because I would be so excited about going to get donuts with my dad. And we would get donuts together every single Saturday morning for year after year...
And as an adult, I find myself wanting more and more. I grow discontent for selfish and silly reasons. I want to travel the world, never settle down, move around- yet when I do, I crave home, family and familiarity. So I guess I'm realizing that the older I get, the more discontent I tend to become. As I experience more of life's adventures, I crave more and I can never get enough. And when life seems monotonous, I grow restless. But there is something wrong with this demeanor. And there is something beautiful about monotony, if you learn how to enjoy it the way I feel we are intended to...
I think I should be appreciative of the little things. I want to look forward to Fridays the way I did when I was 10. I want to get excited about small things and I want to stop questioning if I am living my life to the fullest or not. I'd rather just take what is placed on my plate cheerfully. I'd rather enjoy where I am, and I'd like to kill the restlessness that comes from feeling discontent and spoiled. The more of life's excitements I experience, the more I want...When is it ever enough? I want to choose for it to be enough right now. I want to soak up the simplicity of a Wednesday night. Going for a walk in my neighborhood with my husband, spending time with others, laughing--I want to savor these instances and embrace them as a part of my full and content life.
When I was your age I felt much the same way. If a wonderful moment came, it was eclipsed by other desires that I could never satisfy. Now, in retrospect, I see this restlessness as a part of growth, and in itself a pretty wonderful thing that propels one to live fully. I love reading your blogspots--you are wise beyond your years.
ReplyDelete